I cant sleep. I wont sleep. I need something that will make it better. Nothing is making it better. Insomnia, no, terror, panic, yes. What a great time to be alone.Why would I want to sleep when one day all I will do is sleep? Shop online? Trivial, stupid, feel sicker, dad;s only gonna resent me more. Watch tv, play games, listen to melodies, harmonies, comedies, anything. Nothing works. Your mind isnt in your ears its in your head, and its screaming "youre going to die one day."
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Stupid excuses. "Its not just nothing, youll be okay, theres a reason for everything, you dont have to die, youll find a way to live forever, youll deal with it when the time comes, maybe when you get there youre ready to go." Lies, excuses, excuses.
One day Ill be on broadway. Doesnt matter. I got that solo today. i got that part. Doesnt matter. Im behind making my films... doesnt matter. I have to make my mother start living once more, my brother needs friends, my dad and i never had a relationship. Wont matter. Won't matter, why try now? Because we all just die. Oh god, mother, brother, dad, brother, not fair! I won't watch them die I cant i cant I CANT, i wont. But it doesnt matter. I have to. no, not fair.
Afraid to write about it? Perhaps not anymore. Afraid to even show this to the world? Maybe. Thinking you were alone in this fear, this sensation? Innacurate. Online, fine, cheking. Wait, I'm seeing things. There's no way that person wrote this when I needed it most, just when i was running out of distractions. It only took one line of writing to pull out a gasping breath of fresh air, a hope, a freedom, an acceptance. "Its ok if you cant escape yourself."
A beautiful phrase, a stunning phrase, stopped in my tracks kind of phrase. Is fear gone? No. Will you still die? Yes. Were you meant to know this wonderful phrase? Why yes I think you were. Will you be able to sleep better? Tonight, maybe, but tomorrow? Who knows, you don't, they don't, he she it doesn't. But nothing matters.
Tomorrow, it will matter again, maybe, maybe. But tonight, knowing you, you of all people you wrote the one thing i needed to keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Theres another thing with you. Always you. My friend, my best friend, my go-to, a stranger, acquaintance, a love, whatever you are. You did it for me tonight. You made the fear better.
Ill write, I will write.
You did it. And i thank you.
And Im not alone.
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